If I Were a Trillionaire

By Sameer Rawal

Let’s just say I become a trillionaire somehow. I don’t know how, but lets say it happens. What is the first thing I’d do with the money?

Donate to charity? No.

Give some money to you? Fuck no.

Convert it to dollar bills and go SCUBA diving in it? Maybe.

No. The first thing I’d do with the money is buy me this:

Now that's a fucking castle.

Neuschwanstein Castle. Now I’d probably have to put up a cool 10 billion or something. But I’m a goddamn trillionaire, so whatever. This is what a castle should look like. Not like those bullshit “real” castles with their stone fortifications, keeps, and crap like that.

I want my own personal Hogwarts, and this fits the bill.

But would I open up its walls to special wizard kids and orphans?

No. Quite the contrary. I’ma build a wall that encircles the surrounding area of my huge fucking castle. I’m gonna get some farms built, and then make the surrounding residents serfs and peasants.

You know, go all feudal system on their ass. What’re they gonna do? I’m the trillionaire.

So with that set up, it would be time to squander the rest of my trillion dollars.

I would then buy the New England Patriots, the New York Yankees, and the Anaheim Ducks.

I’d fly them over to my castle, and build them each a respective stadium. I’d then make them play each other for my own amusement. Like the Ducks and Yankees would play the Patriots in football, and the Yankees would play the Ducks in ice hockey and etc.

That would be some funny shit.

And in the meantime, they’d serve as some sort of personal army for me.

Next I’d buy me Microsoft, and like a small country or two. Just cause I can.

Then I’d invite the Queen over for lunch. And gloat to her about how much better my castle is than hers. I’d offer to buy her a new castle, joke about how poor she is, and then send her off on her way.

I would then buy Buckingham Palace. Just to show her I can. But I’d let her live in it, cause I’m nice like that.

After some time of limited activity, I’d invite MTV Cribs to my gigantic fucking castle. It would be like a three hours long two-part episode. I’d probably get tired narrating and hosting it, so I’d get one of my pro football guys I own to do it.

So after this I’d assume I have like 700 billion dollars left.

So I’d buy out Bill Gates and the Sultan of Brunei, and make them my butlers. And I’d also make Tiger Woods my personal caddy.

And I don’t even play golf.

So what would I do with the rest of the money?

Buy lottery tickets.

A lot of them.

Like 550 billion dollars worth of them.

I’d totally win for sure.

And that would be my greatest investment ever. Period.

Except for my gigantic fucking castle.

The Anatomy of an All-Nighter: English Essay 07

It was Saturday, and I was going to get it done.

Partly because it was due Monday.

Mostly it was ‘cause I wanted the motherfucker done.And writing an essay during primetime Sunday television? Don’t be ridiculous.

I already had the introductory paragraph drawn up, so I had about a 340 word head start.And this is how it went.

Saturday:

2:30 pm- Wake up. Yea, I know it’s late. Don’t fucking judge me!

3:00 pm- Head to my basement. Which is like my office. Turn on the TV, fire up my laptop. LET’S GET THIS DONE! I’m going to like finish this by 5:30!

5:30 pm- Finally get to it. God that introduction is awful, I’ll tweak that. The Simpsons is on in the background. It’s the trillion dollar bill episode. This one kicks ass.

6:00 pm- Yea, so I came into this thinking I knew what satire was. I’m not so sure I do know what it is anymore…450 words. Still in the introduction and not at my thesis yet. TV is still on.

6:30 pm- I take the first of many “mini breaks”. Like a 2 minute break from writing and stuff.

6:45 pm- Mini break over. Boy 15 minutes goes by fast. I also have my first coffee of the night. And by coffee, I mean 1% milk, some Nescafe, and a lot of sugar.Real coffee drinkers would call it “weak ass shit”.

7:00 pm- Leafs game and NBA All Star Skills Competition on. This does not bode well for me. I’m also on MSN. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right.

7:20 pm- Well, I’m making some progress, yet still not at my thesis and I’m at like 500 words. At this pace the essay is going to be about 4000 words, and I’ll be done at like 11 pm. I like this estimate.

7:21 pm- I’m probably wrong.

7:30 pm- Thesis ahoy! After 550 words. And the TV begins its relentless campaign to gain all of my attention. It’s probably going to win; I’m not going to lie.

8:00 pm- I have my second “coffee”. I’ve been plodding away steadily at this now. I kind of feel good, but I know if I worked harder, I could’ve been half done by now. Eh, fuck that.Leafs game and All Star Skills still on in the background. And I’m still on MSN. Sue me!

8:12 pm- Well I’m into my first topic. And I’ve pretty much forgotten everything about my books. Who the hell is “Arthur Dent”?God I hope my English teacher never finds this.

8:45 pm- Boy this game of “hockey” is quite entertaining. I see a bright future for it.

9:00 pm- I eat for the last time for a while. I’m done the introduction for my first topic. I’ve just realized essay writing is fucking boring. I did not see that coming. 650 words.

9:23 pm- So like, I have to prove this thesis of mine eh? Ah man. Not. Good. Again, this would’ve been much easier if I remembered my books. I’m pretty sure that’s my fault. Fuck me.

9:30 pm- Progressing on my first topic. Halfway done in fact! About 750 words right now. Dude I’ll Totally be done in 3 hours!

9:31pm- No I won’t.

9:50 pm- Sundin and Raycroft ice it. The Leafs game is over. Well that’s one big distraction gone. Onto the third part of my first topic. About 820 words. All Star Skills still on in the background.

9:55 pm – You’d think an entire report on satire would be funny. Not so. Which is kinda depressing actually. This world of ours is cruel.

10:15 pm- Hey look! It’s 10:15! Time to take an undeserved break!

10:25 pm- The NBA All Star Skills competition is basically all that matters to me in the world right now. That and MSN.

10:30 pm – OH SHIT! Penn and Teller just gave away the secret to a trick to a large TV Audience! THEY BROKE THE MAGICIANS CODE! THEY ARE DEAD!As for the essay…What essay?

10:50 pm- Talking about the dunk competition with Eddie on the messenger. Dwight Howard just stuck a sticker of his face on the backboard! That is awesome! I gotta start doing that!

Make a save? Sticker on the puck!

Beat someone at Madden? Sticker on their face!

Get a calc question right? STICKER ON THE BLACKBOARD!

11:30 pm- All Star stuff over. Back to essay. I’ll put SNL on in the background. That’ll get me back to work! I’m also still on MSN.I’m pretty sure these factors will add up to a long night.

11:45 pm- Done the first topic! And that only took about 5 hours! So according to my calculations, I’ll be done at 10 a.m. . Right…. Lets try and change that.

SUNDAY:

12:00 am- Progress is being made at a more rapid pace. I got a good start on my second topic. About 1100 words right now. If words were money…I’d be moderately wealthy for an unemployed teenager.

12:25 am- Wow, so I just wrote “….is the main beef between…” in my essay. Again, this does not bode well for me. I’m at 1300 words right now.SNL and MSN still going on in the background.

12:45 am- I’m tired, but I power through, breaking through some invisible barrier in my mind, and feel refreshed.Which is a good thing, since this is gonna take much longer.

1:00 am- Halfway through my second topic, Nearing 2000 words. Now I’m really wishing words were money. Oh and I’m still on MSN. You’d think I’d learn by now, but….no.

1:23 am- Now you see, I’m starting to believe my rapid progress is not because of a better work ethic, but rather, I’m just getting lazy.

1:30 am- I can’t find anything on TV. I’m just going to stick the west coast feed of SNL on. Dude. I’m not even joking.

1:45am- Towards the end of my second topic, and I’m at about 2200 words. Sentences and stuff are starting to get like, less coherent, and like, stuff?Nobody is on MSN right now, so that’s out right now.

2:00 am- I start thinking that writing an essay like this may be irresponsible. But it worked for my gr. 10 history essay, so ….yea there’s precedent…bitch.

2:05 am- And all rational thought ceases.

2:06 am – It’s like I’m typing, but I don’t know what’s going on. Words just appear on the screen, and on further inspection, kinda work, and make a point…barely. It looks like I’m probably rewriting a lot of this before I hand in that good copy.

2:07 am- Aw fuck. I just spotted a rather large error in my second topic. And I guess I’m correcting it now. Damnit!

2:34 am- So yea, I’m basically re-writing my second topic I just finished. God I wish I hadn’t noticed that mistake. I mean, if I can’t see it, it’s not there!

3:00 am- That repeat of the SNL I had just watched has finished. Luckily for me the Simpsons and South Park are on at this hour. Rockin’!And hey check it out! Anne is on MSN! Awesome, some “company”.

3:15 am- They see me rollin’ , they hatin’, patrollin’ and tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty.

3:16 am – My music so loud, I’m swingin’, they hopin’ they gon’ catch me ridin’ dirty.

3:27 am - I finally fix that huge mistake (and I honestly cannot remember what it is anymore), and I can start that third topic again. I’m at 2200 words again. I don’t understand how I am writing this right now.

I actually don’t understand much right now. WHERE DID THE SUN GO?!?!?

I challenge Anne to see who can finish their essay first. She has much less that I have done, and I’m 2/3 of the way through mine. This will be interesting.

3:33 am- HIBACHI!

3:45 am- I browse channels again, and after many infomercials, I find something. A movie called “Little Big League” .It’s like “Rookie of the Year”, ‘cept slightly less heartwarming. Still it’s pretty awesome right now.HAHAHA! The kid is 12 and he’s managing the Minnesota Twins!I’m also progressing on the third topic of my essay. 2400 words. Awwww yeeeaaaa.

4:03 am- I think I just felt my facial hair grow…

4:15 am- Anything is funny right now. A very sad commercial for a news report came on and I laughed. I am a horrible person.

4:23 am- Speaking of commercials, they all also seem funnier now. And at least 1 in every three commercials is for a "party line" toll phone number thing.

4:30 am- So yea, I’m about a third of the way through my last topic right now. And Anne has made rapid progress on me. Not good.Good for her though.

4:45 am- Aw man, that kid in "Little Big League" had to cut his favourite player. Damn that sucks. “Is my wife supposed to be happy that I’m your favourite player!? I’ve been cut, man what am I gonna tell her!”I think I got some dirt in my eyes guys…It’s just some dirt, I’m not like crying or anything…

5:15 am-

My Brain: “Technically you have school tomorrow, AND this is due tomorrow”

Me: “Fuck you.”

5:22 am- As you can tell, I’m just arbitrarily making up times now.

5:35 am- 2800 words…which means I’m “done” my third and final topic. Anne just finished her essay, which should offer sufficient contrast to whatever the fuck I'm doing. And AGAIN I choke in a contest. Fuck man, I’m not clutch at all.

5:43 am- I’m pretty sure, and this is just an inference…that last two thirds or so of this essay is rife with grammatical errors, and is utter bullshit. But hey, that’s what a rough copy is for!

5:50 am- Damn you Ken Griffey Junior! Damn you! Damn you for stealing the playoffs away from that Little Big League kid’s team. He worked so hard!

6:00 am- Putting the final touches on a rushed conclusion. It’s 6:00 am. My god. It’s like Wake-A-Thon, but like, instead of having fun, I wrote an essay during it.

6:03 am- So like…yea, whoa. I should write an essay about this experience, or make a movie about it...THIS IS FUCKIN EPIC!

6:15 am- 3000 words, and my essay is done! Except it’s a rough copy rife with errors and shit that needs to be fixed.Also, my mom gets up.

6:25 am- I stagger upstairs. The sun is rising, I don’t even need a light. Dude, I feel like a vampire or something.

And after 3044 words and like 14 hours, I go to sleep.

So that's the story of my all-nighter. But hey, at least I went to sleep knowing I'd "accomplished" something.

And If I had the choice? No I wouldn't do it again.

That would be stupid. I'd much rather finish it early over a few days.

Is it going to happen again?

Probably, yea.

Why I Should Win the Nobel Peace Prize (1st Bluezine Article)

I’m not one to brag, but this year I definitely deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Take a look at the news headlines from this past year. How many times do you hear about me starting a war?..My point exactly.

Now I haven’t been really out there “making” peace or “making” the world a “better place”, but that’s not my style. I like to lead by example. In the past year, I haven’t started an armed conflict, participated in one, or fueled one with money or inflammatory rhetoric. In fact, I haven’t done that in the past three to four years. I’ve just sat back here in Markham and went about my placid ways, showing the rest of the world what peace is all about.

But apparently nobody is watching because there’s still war, and I haven’t been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize yet.So this year I’ve stepped it up. I continued along with my policy of leading by example, and again this year I haven’t had anything to do with armed conflict.

However, I’ve made some changes.

One thing I’ve done is stopped watching war movies. How can I be truly peaceful if I entertain myself by watching war? I’ve also boycotted anything to do with war, including the Nobel Prizes. I mean really, how can I be a shining beacon of peace if I support an institution founded by the guy who invented dynamite?I can’t be, and that’s why I’ve made these two rather dramatic changes for this year.

I’ve also thrown away my old G.I. Joe action figures.And that my friends, is why I should win the Nobel Peace Prize.



*Sameer Rawal is a grade 12 student at Markham District High School. If you know anybody on the Nobel Prize committee, give him a shout.*

And it goes live.

I'ma gonna dump some of the stuff I write for my facebook notes onto this website here, so people I know who don't have facebook can get to them.

If you have facebook and know me, the same stuff is up on the "notes" section of my profile.

I'll start it off with two or three of the ones I liked best from my facebook notes. Then for everything new I write, I'll post a copy up here and on the facebook.

Unless it has a lot of paragraphs, cause the line spaces don't translate to the blogger input. So fuck that.

Peace out.