A Message To: That Guy at the Jays Game

So on Sunday July 22nd, I was in attendance at the Blue Jays vs Mariners game at the Rogers Centre Skydome, when I saw a guy with "Red Sox Nation" masking taped to the back of his t-shirt.

Fuck you.

What kind of douchebag goes to a JAYS/MARINERS game, with RED SOX NATION taped on the back of his shirt?

Should have seen it coming when I saw those guys in Red Sox t-shirts on the way to the game.

Fuck Red Sox Nation.

Oh hey, yea, you cheer for the Red Sox, hey look they're in first place! Good for you. Oh wait, why are you cheering for the Red Sox...in a game they're not playing in?

That's uh...how would you say it...."Wicked Retahded".

Oh I get it, all of you are insufferable douchebags.

What was that? Wow, look how far your fanbase reaches. I don't know what you're doing here, but that's just great....by the way, what the fuck are you doing here!?

What? Right, yea, you guys won the World Series three years ago. Good for you. You don't need to remind us, it was kinda big news.

Fuck Bill Simmons.

Oh hey, what place did the Red Sox finish in last year? You say second place?

No, WRONG. You assholes finished in third fucking place.

Yea, you fans are so loyal . You cheered for so many years while they lost. Oh man, you guys kept losing to those damn Yankees. Yeah, they have such a big payroll, it's so unfair.

Oh by the way, you guys have the SECOND LARGEST payroll in baseball. Quit your goddamn whining.

Fuck your bullshit inferiority complex.

You're not more likeable then the Yankee fans or the Yankees for that matter. Hell, I might like you less.

Fuck Ben Affleck.

In my opinion, one of the stupidest and most douchebaggy things to do in the sports spectator world is: wearing the jersey/t-shirt/clothing of a team that's not playing in the game to the game.

And I saw a lot of that from "Red Sox Nation" this last Sunday in Toronto.

Lastly, fuck Curt Schilling.

Oh and by the way, this is a greater moment than Carlton Fisk or David Ortiz's homeruns:


P.S. Ya gotta dig that Coke Commercial at the end.

I'm Gay for Count Chocula: Part 2

I'm down to my last box of crack Count Chocula. So it seems like it's high time that I started my highly uneeded comparison of American Count Chocula and Canadian Count Chocula.

Highly thorough and scientific, my comparison looks at five aspects of the cereal: chocolatey-ness, marshmallows, packaging, extras, and overall effect.

Shit, there's nothing better to do, so lets go.

Chocolatey-ness

The Canadian puffs were covered in a lot more chocolate chocolate-like substance, than the American puffs (hey look, I've discovered the strikethrough html!). This led to a more chocolatey milk afterwards. The edge goes to the Canadian Count Chocula.

Canadian Count 1, American Count 0.

Marshmallows

When I first poured a bowl of Canadian Count Chocula, I was all like: "Yo, where be the fuckin marshmallows!". There were a lot fewer marshmallows than in the American Count. In the American version it was almost half and half...or so I remember vaguely. Hell I'm not even sure if I'm right...

Canadian Count 1, American Count 1.

Packaging

No contest. I've already detailed how that American box, with its sepia toned glamour shot of Count Chocula seduced me into buying the cereal.

It's not even fair.

Canadian Count 1, American Count 2.

Extras

I still remember the days when you got actual toys in the cereal boxes. Good stuff too. Cheap, but good.

Now it's all about bullshit games on the back of the box. It's like they don't put any effort into the fun part of cereal anymore.

Still, this:

Oh god I'll stay out, please don't hurt me. Shit, that is one scary monsters poster. (Their words, not mine).

Is a hell of a lot better than this:

You bastards....I don't care about this nutritional bullshit, you guys are just trying to sell more "cereal". You took away my fucking toys, at least give me some hastily put-together word searches and mazes!

Canadian Count 1, American Count 3.

Overall Effect

I'm tired of this excuse for a piece of writing already. Nobody wins.

Except for me. Because I have one box of Count Chocula left. And then I'll buy more, and more. And I'll keep winning. And you can't stop me.

But you can join me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wow. This was incredibly pointless. I'm so, so sorry.

I swear my next one will be better*. I swear.

*not a guarantee.

I'm Gay for Count Chocula: Part 1

I could have easily said "I love Count Chocula" and mean exactly the same thing, but that's leaving all those homophobes reading this out there with nothing to laugh at, and that is totally...(wait for it, here it comes....) gay.

Fine, to get PFLAG* (who I'm sure are reading this) off my back, I'll admit I have a couple man crushes. On Bear Grylls** and Ray Emery, and I'm not too ashamed to admit it.

For good measure here's a video of Bear Grylls eating a dead zebra for no real reason. He probably didn't have to. But he did.





Anyways, back to the point, which is my er..gayness (?) for Count Chocula. Not the man. The cereal.

I am so gay for the cereal, by which I mean I love it. It's not healthy, but I don't really care.

Shits good.

I tried it for the first time after being seduced, by the box in a grocery store in the states.

And I am so glad I did.

Remember finding out about Lucky Charms? How there were fucking marshmallows in the cereal?

That was awesome and stuff, but you still had to deal with the oat pieces.

Well with "The Count", those pesky oat pieces are replaced with chocolatey puffs.

*ding ding ding* I think we got us a champ.

Quite frankly I had never had a cereal like it and I finished the box quickly, within about two and a half days. I thought it was the end of my time eating this cereal from the heavens, but then on a trip to the local No-Frills, I spotted it. Count Chocula...in Canada.

I dug into my first bowl of this crack disguised as a cereal, and something wasn't right.

The Canadian Count, was different than the American Count.

It was still fucking mindblowing anyways. But which is better?

I shall judge them quite scientifically, in five categories: chocolatey-ness, marshmallows, packaging, extras, and overall effect, in a post to come soon.

Shit I'm suspenseful.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PFLAG
**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_Grylls

This Day in Fucking Bullshit.

This Day in Fucking Bullshit

For July 19th 2007:



No.

No.

You bastards.

You.....bastards.

Wha-....what...no.

What the hell.

What happened?

What did they do to you Simon? You wear glasses...not...horrendous sunglasses.

Alvin isn't a hoodlum...he's a chipmunk....a mischievous chipmunk..

Theodore isn't a fat black guy...

What th-....no....you assholes.

So it's true. Hollywood is evil.

Saturday Night and I Feel the Air is Getting Hot....

I hope to god one of you still remembers your early 90's hits.

Anyways I know this is technically Sunday, but I felt like a post...so...

Here's something I just figured out about my homeland (India if you didn't know) and my people's culture:

A Bollywood movie or T.V. show with one word is serious. A Bollywood movie or T.V. show with the same word repeated twice, is a comedy.

For example, Corporate


is a Drama.

However Office Office:


is a comedy.

I double checked with my mom and dad, and yea, it's basically true. Believe me, this was a rather large revelation, and frankly, I don't know why it took me so long to figure out.

So next time you're in India, remember: Murder would be a chilling drama. Murder Murder would be a light hearted comedy starring a pair of bumbling criminals.

Anyways that's all I really wanted to get out for now, but all that reading for just that, well, that would be a waste of your time, so :

Here's some of the good stuff I've encountered over the countless hours of my life that have been wasted on the internet.

First courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber (kissmesuzy.blogspot.com), this:


Here is proof positive that nature is beautiful in a deadly, deadly way. Kinda like those gold diggers who kill their husbands, though I'm not sure that analogy works. I mean, it's a short clip, but look at that. Seriously. Holy shit.

And then theres this, which I came across a while back:



It's kinda hard to explain this one. It's David Hasslehoff singing. It's not so much his singing that's bad, more the production qualities...and the surrealness of the whole experience. I kinda see why the Germans like him so much now, as its almost- well it is a form of schadenfreude to watch it.

But boy oh boy can he sing.

Anyways, I was in the mood for posting, and so here it is.

I also bought me a box of Canadian Count Chocula, and surprisingly it's quite different than its American counterpart. So expect a something on that soon. (I have an unhealthy fixation on breakfast cereals I think).

Peace out y'all!

International Adventures avec Sameer: A Journey to New Jersey

In my first edition of International Adventures avec Sameer, I shall take you to the famous state of New Jersey!

Now you may be asking why I would start off my international adventures with a trip to New Jersey, rather than say, a trip to France, Africa, or Cambodia or something (y'know, somewhere cool).

Well I have this to say to you: There are many great things about New Jersey, such as:

... fine. There is nothing great about New Jersey.

It's kinda like an extended suburb, with horribly confusing roads, and people with hair like this:

... or something similar to it.

Of course that statement is a gross overgeneralization of the population of New Jersey and exploiting stereotypes about the state -but hey, what the hell did you expect from me?

But the roads were hella (hella? ).....very confusing. (That's better).

Shit, even the great tourist attraction that is Atlantic City, is a seedy, scary place. I was expecting good things about the boardwalk when I visited it a couple years ago, seeing as it was the most expensive property in Monopoly, but no: it was also a seedy, scary place.

Anyways, getting back on topic here, I was willing to give the "Garden State" one more chance this year when my family and I travelled down to Parsippany, New Jersey to go to the wedding of a close family friend.

The trip was an 8 hour long drive by my dad, with me relinquishing my traditional navigators role to my aunt, so I could sit in the back and read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (instead of being yelled at by my dad for making us miss an exit).

Crossing the border was painless and free of the "random check" that stuck my family in a customs office with another Indian family, and a group of Hispanic people last year on a trip to Chicago.

(Really, it's the Arabs that you're looking for! If you're going to racially profile people, do it right.)

Anyways from there we made a stop in East Amherst, New York, which is a suburb of Buffalo.

There really is no good reason to do this of course. Except for....Cracker Barrel!...which is a pretty shitty reason in itself.

The "Cracker Barrel Old Country Store", is an American restaurant chain that serves pretty a good all day breakfast, old lady merchandise, and a good helping of racism.

We always stop by there everytime we're in the states for some reason, and I usually never feel comfortable there. The store has a sign professing that they're not racist on the front door, which isn't really reassuring. I mean, any establishment that feels like it has to do that, well, they must not have a good history.

And they don't: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker_Barrel

Anyways the food was decent, and we weren't discriminated against. So we moved on from there, delving deeper into the mysterious land that is the United States, straight to New Jersey.

The ride was uneventful for a while. My sister and I resorted to playing games. Such as counting how many times my Dad did or said something that made us think he was gay (which we think he just might be). An example would be the time he professed his love of the divas of music with my sister on the drive down.

By the end of the trip we got to 14.

Anyways it was a pretty boring drive until we got to the highlight of the trip at that point: A Drive through Scranton, Pennsylvania!

Cue the theme from "The Office"

Why was it so exciting?

Because Scranton is the setting for one of my sister's and one of my favourite shows, The Office.

Frankly, I don't know why we were so excited, all we could see was a large waste management plant and few other buildings.

And as soon as it started, it was over. But at least I could say I was in the same city as Jim, Pam, Dwight and the others, for about two minutes.

And from there it was about two to three hours until we made it to our destination, Parisppany, New Jersey!

Where is Parsippany you ask?

Well I don't know. It's on this highway, stuck between two other suburbs. Hell it doesn't even have a Starbucks.

We stayed at the "Courtyard By Marriott", which I'd reccommend for their free hot chocolate and unsupervised pool.

The room itself was nice, and if there's one thing that's good about lazy cleaning staff, it's free stuff that's left behind by other people.

See this soccer ball, kid who left it behind? It's mine now. Don't try and get it back. It. Is. Mine.

Finders Keepers, bitch.

Anyways the first night went by quickly, and then it was wedding time!

The wedding was outside, and it was hot, so a lot of people didn't really watch and went inside the Banquet Hall.

Which is where we first met Professor von Amazing a.k.a. the Turbinator.

He was a tall Punjabi guy who was in charge of the hall. And boy was he in charge.

His micromanagement style was pretty entertaining to watch. Much moreso than the wedding. Watching him stoop over tables, berate the sno-cone guy (yea there was a snocone guy), and wipe a smudge off a pot made our lives worth living.

Which is a vast understatement.

The reception was pretty good as well, with a kickass dessert table. The real fun part about it was watching a bunch of old conservative Indian men and women try to dance to songs like "Gasolina" and "Hips Don't Lie".

Awkward? Hell yea. Hilarious? Yes.

Anyways after the reception, we all went to the unofficial after party location: the Hilton in Parsippany.

After entering the hotel we (my sister, a friend, and I) spotted this:

Another Indian wedding reception!

We were dressed correctly, which meant one thing...we were going to crash it!

And crash it we did.

We were on the bride's side.

The DJ was good, but the desserts were not as good as those at the wedding we went to....by which I mean the wedding we were invited to.

We left after a bit, and were offered the gifts they sent the guests away with.

The next day we began our long trip home.

I was waiting for this day because the reason I really went on the trip was coming up. A trip to my favourite Mexican restaurant Don Pablo's which is back in East Amherst, that suburb of Buffalo.

I was so excited, I didn't eat.

Anyways, we got to the location annnnddddd.....

It was a fucking Chili's now.

One of the big reasons I went, the thing I had been craving and waiting for...was a goddamn Chili's now.

We tooled around East Amherst and found another Mexican restaurant, which thankfully, offered deliciousness.

The trip then moved across the road to the Top's Friendly Markets, a local grocery store.

Now you see, America is different, scary place. We passed in front of a church in New Jersey with a fucking wooden missle made by kids in front of it that had : "Kids-Son Power" on it. One of the more fucked up things we saw on the trip.

But not all the differences are weird and scary. The grocery store in the states is a haven of magical foods you can't get back up in Canada. I went in to get a box of the elusive cereal Cookie Crisp which is not available up here.

I was planning to get only that, but then I saw:

Where the fuck are his fangs? You can't suck blood with buck teeth.

Frankly I had never seen another cereal box like it. It's almost one of a kind. I just loved the...sepia toned glamour shot (?) of Count Chocula.

Look at him. Staring, laughing, blood lust-ing at you.

I'm not going to lie, the box and his visage entranced me. You can't beat it. So I had to have it. It was so fucking weird, but awesome.

Not to mention the cereal itself, a Chocolately Cereal with "Spookyfun" Marshmallows.

Spookyfun? More like fucking delicious.

Now I don't know what spookyfun means when related to food, but I'm just glad I had the chance to own this box. And eat the cereal too.

And that my friends, was the highlight of my trip.

Another two hours and we were back in Markham. I had a stomach full of Mexican food, and my two precious (if I see you near them, I will hurt you) boxes of cereal.

All in all it was a good trip, there was food, family, and another wedding to crash.

But most of all I have my precious Cookie Crisp, and my seductive Count Chocula box.

And that brings to a close, my first International Adventure.